From the basement files...

I’m not good at “keeping house”. This realization more often than not leaves me feeling completely inadequate as both a wife and partner. I just can’t seem to make myself tackle things like dishes or dusting because they are never ending. I’ve gotten better about staying on top of laundry but that is a steep uphill battle for me. I honestly believe there’s some key element missing from my DNA.

Today I tried to be better, for both myself and Husband. Expired food was chunked from cabinets. Appliances were somewhat cleaned. Countertops wiped down. Dishes were done and put away. Cabinets and drawers were cleaned out and reorganized. Eventually though I ran out of steam. I always run out of steam. I want to be proud of myself but I look around at all that still needs to be done and pride is a hard thing to find.

I keep thinking that if I minimize the amount of “stuff” then keeping it maintained will be easier. So I box/bag up piles of things to give away to charity and family members. I feel relieved to see them go and think to myself, “Ok this should be easier now…” but it never is. The “stuff” I gave away seems to be replaced by other “stuff” faster than I can become aware of it happening.

I’ve really been trying the last few months to clear out the “stuff” in our house. I’ve tried very hard to be cognizant of what we’re buying and how it will fit into the grand scheme of “stuff” already owned by us. It’s just not easy. I’m prone to deep emotional attachment to our “stuff” and Husband is prone to packrat-ness. I envy people who can pack their most valuable possessions into their car; I envy people who aren’t owned by their “stuff”.

I keep waiting for that epiphany. Waiting for that moment when things will just make sense. I’m not sure where I belong in this universe, what my purpose in this life is. I wish I could clear away all the unnecessary “stuff” from my proverbial basement and get to the heart of the matter. Where’s that catalyst when you need one?

" If you want to have friends, you must be friendly. If you want to make peace, you must be peaceful. " - Peace Pilgrim

I've been out of it. Both in the virtual and real world sense. It's already December and I can't seem to wrap my mind around that fact. I just feel like lately time has been slipping through my fingers. Thinking back to the beginning of Fall seems like a lifetime ago.

I'm not ready for Christmas. I'm not ready to even contemplate thinking about Christmas. I'm usually the one who demands to know by November 1st what you want for Christmas so I can be done with my shopping by Thanksgiving. I haven't thought about it at all. I smell a last minute scrabble for gifts at this point... Back to my original point though...

Today while I was in the shower I started musing aloud about what I might want when I said something that must have been buried in my subconscious. (yes I do a lot of talking to myself in the shower, shush!) It was something along the lines of, "if you really want to make me happy for Christmas... donate to charity, give a homeless animal a home, do something for the greater good." Sure there are things I would like to have, a lot of things... But a small part of me wonders if I wouldn't save it if my house caught fire do I really need it? Husband and I have a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that I obsessively wanted at the time but I possibly haven't looked at in years. I feel uneasy about that. Now that I say this my family will finally get around to reading my blogs and I will be left with nothing for Christmas.... I don't know though. I've just been a weird mood lately.

The vet clinic I work for also works in conjunction with a local rescue group. Since I've been there we have had several rescue dogs/cats come through and be adopted out, except one. Tallulah, pictured above, is a super sweet dog who was just a bit misunderstood. I was afraid that her time was running out so I started harassing everyone I knew about her. One night during a casual conversation with my youngest brother-in-law he showed interest. One thing led to another and yesterday he adopted her. Right now she's staying with us until he can get moved but it's going pretty well. I knew despite the fact that she seemed like an insane crack dog up at the vet she would be a wonderful lap dog in the right home. It just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover. And despite what you might be saying... I'm fully aware that I have too many dogs as is and instead of adopting them myself I will just bug everyone else I know.

Reflecting back... November was a stressful month to say the very least. I feel so emotionally drained by all that did/didn't happened. I know I'm being cryptic but it would take far too long to explain and you would all be bored by it anyway. I worked myself into a frenzy and it seems like for no good reason. I didn't gain anything from it... I just lost time and an ability to do stuff I really wanted/needed to do. Laundry is overflowing, recycling needs to be separated, floors need to be swept, computer stuff needs to be organized, dogs bathed... it never ends. Maybe it will work itself out this month... I can always hope.

And that's that for now...